10 Things I’ve Learned from Hallmark Original Movies

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I confess. I have a weakness for Hallmark Original Movies. You know the ones I’m talking about: they’re unsubtle and broad and cheesy and horrendously addictive. But did you know they’re also educational? No? Well, pull up a chair and let me spread the knowledge.

1. You can unreservedly and unironically talk about a character named “Cliff” you met while rock climbing.

2. Any conflict is enough conflict if the characters get flustered/upset/unnerved about it. Especially if it makes them turn pink.

3. Women who are supposed to be 30 should look like they are twelve. Conversely, men who are supposed to be interested in these women should look 45.

4. If a dinner is meant to be romantic, there must be at least one candle within a ten foot radius. There are absolutely no exceptions to this rule. Romance factor increases by multiples of 3 for every additional candle, up to and including setting an off-the-charts romantic fire.

5. If you’re wondering what’s holding you back from love, it’s your glasses. It’s always glasses.

6. Unless it’s putting your career in front of your heart. Putting your heart first will save much torment and also save the lives of countless innocent tubs of ice cream.

7. Only don’t put your heart ahead of your career if the guy is the one asking you to do so. Because then it’s not about your freedom to choose the guy over the career. It’s about his freedom to ask you to choose the guy over the career. It’s a very important distinction.

8. Dancing is appropriate and totally not weird at any time in any place with or without music.

9. It never takes more than 72 minutes for someone to reveal his or her true nature, especially if that nature is secret meanie. Like sucking in a reluctant gut, secret meanies cannot seem to hold in their inner meanieness to go the distance.

10. Everything will work out perfectly in the end. Of course, most of the time, things were just slightly to the left of perfect, and probably wouldn’t take the full 2-hour slot to right themselves, but hey, who’s complaining?

Check out  my full-length novels,  Her Cousin Much Removed,  The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management and Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only), and the sequel, Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) which is now available!

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