Month: April 2015

P is for Promotion (Self)

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I’ve decided to combine my laziness today with the undeniable urge to push my own work. Winning combination, no? No?

OK, fair point.

Nonetheless, today I am going to dangle a little Aunty Ida in front of you, though you might want to make sure you’re wearing your protective brain gear. On account of the likelihood that she wants to get her hands in your noggin.

Probably metaphorically speaking. Probably.

Anyway, in Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only), Margaret really doesn’t have much of a choice. If she wants to keep her job as a judge after her tiny, minuscule little meltdown live on LawTV, she’s got to let Aunt Ida help her. It doesn’t matter, though, because Margaret knows none of it was her fault. She was set up, and she’s going to prove it.

Here’s the cover:

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Yes, Aunty Ida is weird. Yes, Aunty Ida is a weird book. But don’t we weirdos need a place to hang out, even if it’s only between pixelated pages? See, that’s what I thought.

And so ends our latest self-promotion bulletin. I hope that no sensibilities were injured in the making of this post.

Check out  my full-length novels,  Her Cousin Much Removed,  The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management and Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only), and the sequel, Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) which is now available!

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O is for Oh (No)

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Well, I’ve got to admit it. My brain is soup. Gooey, liquidy soup. The drilling has been particularly bad (though I’m in a lull right now, better enjoy it for the moment) and I think the vibrations are actually affecting the makeup and texture of my thinker.

What’s that, hypothetical reader? You don’t think that’s anatomically possible, and you think that my theory is based on too many late-night B movies? Well, I’ll have you know that I watch my B movies in the light of day like a civilized person.

Anywho, I do have my system down, with the earplugs and the headphones, though today I haven’t yet gone to the headphones. And the silence is still holding for some reason. But the trick is to not relax into it. The second I relax into it, it rears up again, seemingly even louder than before. And here’s the hammering. Although preferable to the drilling, I’d say.

See? Not to worry, the noise is back in full swing. Or full drill, as the case may be.

Yes, I admit I close my eyes and imagine a strong wind, one enough to be convincing but not dangerous. Though one could argue with these guys, it’s a fine distinction. Last year I watched their platform swaying in a wide arc, the men on it calmly continuing their work until it actually started to twist a bit. I watched them descend with the phone in my hand, afraid for a very unhappy ending.

But they made it down, safe and sound.

The noise is one of those things to which you adjust, like the pebble in your shoe you can’t get out, so you kind of step around it. Although it feels like my soupy brain is paying the price.

At least there will be the weekend break. Until Monday.

Oh no.

Check out  my full-length novels,  Her Cousin Much Removed,  The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management and Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only), and the sequel, Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) which is now available!

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N is for Nearly (Done)

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Tell me, readers hypothetical and not-so-hypothetical, that you have one too. A project — or more than one, I’m not picky — that is languishing in that spot. Nearly done.

Not quite there. Just nearly there.

And yet you haven’t taken it over that proverbial finish line. I definitely have those, and, in fact, one of them needs to get itself in gear for my class later tonight, because there will come the time when I am supposed to pass it around for a table read, and it would be nice to have, oh, I don’t know, a finished scene.

What’s that, reader of the hypothetical persuasion? That’s one heck of a lofty goal? Why thank you. Would you have any suggestions as to how to wrap up my scene while you’re at it? No? Thanks a lot, hypothetical reader. Thanks a lot.

I don’t know what it is with me and getting to that final, finished point. That point when you can look at it, and, with a smug sigh of self-satisfaction, say, yes, I did it.

Sometimes, not always, but sometimes, I seem to need to take a breather about ten yards shy. Why, you ask, hypothetical reader? Hmm, if I knew that, I think I’d be able to just power through.

And speaking of, it’s possible, just every-so-slightly possible, that writing this blog post possibly could have become an exercise in putting off the inevitable. Not that I’d ever do anything like that. No, that would make me a procrastinator or something.

The funny thing about it is it’s not everything. Not all of my projects languish in that “almost there” place. If that were the case, I wouldn’t have finished any books at all, and I’ve finished several. It’s only a few scattered things.

Perhaps my subconscious is trying to tell me something. Well, it should really speak up, don’t you think?

And with that, I’d say I got this post past the “nearly” and all the way to the “done.” That’s one for the day. On to two.

Check out  my full-length novels,  Her Cousin Much Removed,  The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management and Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only), and the sequel, Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) which is now available!

Sign up for my spamless newsletter. And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

M is for Maybe (Not)

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Ambivalence, for me, seems to be the theme of the week, and today is no exception. I’m a little bit maybe, and perhaps a little more maybe not.

But today’s theme started over lunch yesterday. Not in the mood for anything much, really, I decided to take a frozen microwave pizza out of the freezer. Frozen microwave pizza has its moments, right? And this one looked very promising, with roasted veggies. Now that’s a pizza. If the picture on the box had anything to say about it, my lunch was going to be great. Maybe.

I suspect you can see where this is going.

So I tore open the little teary thing on the side, sliding out the pizza and the special tray it came with. And the contrast between the image on the box — an image so lush and promising — and the frozen pizza that came out of it was so great, I had to take a picture to share. Ready? Here it is:20150414_120802

Once cooked, I have to say it didn’t improve all that much, and frankly, it tasted about the way it looked. The little central smattering of veggies that was there, including the very generous single artichoke heart, shrank to a fraction of it’s original size, leaving vast swathes of dimpled, slightly cheesy, not terribly tomatoey crust. But the microwave tray definitely worked. That crust was crispy. As in cured cement crispy.

Here’s the thing, though. It wasn’t horrible. It tasted OK if not exciting or particularly good. Would I buy it again, though? Maybe.

Maybe not.

Check out  my full-length novels,  Her Cousin Much Removed,  The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management and Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only), and the sequel, Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) which is now available!

Sign up for my spamless newsletter. And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

L is for Likely (Story)

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I’ve never been a teller of tall tales. I think people like that are born, not made, and they probably come into the world with a fantastic tale about their journey so far. The best example, I think, in modern media is Big Fish  (or “Big Fish,” if we are talking about the movie, and maybe we should be because it was just perfect).

I say that, that I’m not a teller of tall tales, but then again I am a writer of fiction. What’s that, hypothetical reader? What’s the difference you ask? Well, hypothetical reader, I kind of wish you hadn’t asked that question because really, I have no idea.

Well, that’s not entirely true, and I could easily remedy the situation by using somewhat-trusty Google, but who would want to spoil a perfectly good musing with definitive facts?

I think, at the heart of it, the difference between fiction and the likely stories of tall tales is all in the presentation. The tall tale is based on something possible; it might even have its origins in something real, and then it grows, takes on life and color, much like the father’s tall tales did in the movie.

With fiction, there’s no pretense of truth, no yarn-spinning or pulling of either wool or legs. I’ll never tell you that one of my completely imaginary stories is true, though I have to admit that I’ve started to believe that Aunty Ida lives off somewhere in an alternate universe, and it would probably (certainly) be in our best interests to keep it as alternate as possible.

Still, generally speaking, there is no maliciousness in tall tales, just a desire to put a little dab of the fantastic in the every day and mundane. And we can all use a little more fantastic.

Check out  my full-length novels,  Her Cousin Much Removed,  The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management and Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only), and the sequel, Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) which is now available!

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K is for Kinda (Everything)

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Today is one of those days where I’m kinda a little bit of everything. I’m kinda scattered and kinda focused, kinda tired and kinda perky, kinda idea-filled and kinda thinking that the sorta word “kinda” is starting to look awfully strange.

It’s just one of those middle-of-the-road days, I guess. The systems are on, but they’re set to three. On a six point scale.

What’s that, hypothetical reader? Why not a ten point scale? Well, hypothetical reader, in this world, we all have the power to make our own nonsense scales. Why not a 17 point scale, then, you ask? Or a 57.8 point scale? And I would have to say because, hypothetical reader, you thought of it first.

Onward we go. So it’s a kinda kinda day. I don’t know that I’ll feel a rush of anything, whether that’s enthusiasm, boredom (can you have a rush of boredom? I would think it would be more of a slow creep) or determination. I could definitely use a rush of determination today, but apparently that rush is kinda at the cleaners.

Perhaps it is the Monday of it all. Perhaps it’s because I spent yesterday doing my taxes, and it used up a lot of that get-up-and-go-itiveness to grind my way through the most mind-numbing thing in the world you can do that can still end up sending you to jail.

Hang on, hypothetical reader you raise a good point. Is there anything else as deathly dull as taxes that could wind up sending you to jail? I mean don’t most things that can get you in trouble with the government have at least a hint of the outlaw to them? A glimmer of the ole Bonnie and Clyde? Nice thinking, hypothetical reader, nice thinking. You’re right, it’s no “Orange is the New Black” back story.

Anyway, so I think I’m kinda in the taxes aftermath, when all your thoughts are categorized in forms and schedules. At least it’s likely to be kinda short-lived. And on the plus-plus side, there isn’t much noise today. Things are looking up.

Kinda.

Check out  my full-length novels,  Her Cousin Much Removed,  The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management and Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only), and the sequel, Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) which is now available!

Sign up for my spamless newsletter. And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

J is for Just (Chocolate)

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I’m sitting here, trying to think of a snappy blog post for J, which should be easy, given how many words there are, interesting words, beginning with J. But I have one thought on my mind.

Chocolate. Just chocolate.

It is literally all I can think about at this moment. Yes, I’ve only just had breakfast, and yes, it’s still technically morning, but I must have chocolate. My life will not be complete if I don’t have chocolate.

Yes, hypothetical reader, if chocolate is what it takes to complete my life, it is either very full or very empty. Someone woke up up on the snarky side of the hypothetical bed this morning, I see.

So I made a deal with myself. If I finish this post, I can have the chocolate. I have it, dangling in front of me, like a far more exciting and delicious carrot, though with much more sugar and probably fewer vitamins. Probably.

I think chocolate is full of vitamins we just haven’t discovered yet. Can you imagine being the person to discover that chocolate is actually the best thing you could possibly eat under any circumstance? That’s a definite Nobel Prize, don’t pass Stockholm.

It’s funny when your mind locks into something this way, and it’s just that one song you can’t get out of your head (theme song to “Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt, I’m looking at you), or just that one worry that won’t leave no matter how  you rationalize it away, or just the task at hand. I really wish I had more of that last one.

It sounds like a qualifier, like anything that comes after it is the real star of the show, but “just,” itself is the spotlight. And now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got some chocolate calling my name to the tune of the “Unbreakable” theme song.

Check out  my full-length novels,  Her Cousin Much Removed,  The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management and Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only), and the sequel, Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) which is now available!

Sign up for my spamless newsletter. And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

 

I is for Information (Age)

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Confession time! Everybody loves confession time, right? Except, maybe, people in tiny rooms with aggressive police officers who already have enough information to put them away. I would think they probably don’t enjoy confession time, or the time that comes after that.

But that’s a little off topic.

Nope, my confession isn’t nearly so juicy, nor so jaily. My confession is a little on the minor side, but I’m still going to own up to it.

I adore the information age.

Sometimes I feel as though it is a future I made up in my head when I was a little girl, where every piece of information, every answer to any question I’ve ever pondered is right there, right in front of me. All I have to do is type a few words — heck, I don’t even have to type all of them, Google usually knows what I’m talking about before I’ve even finished typing — and then there it is, the answer. No card catalogs. No librarians. Just me and the World Wide Web.

As a writer, it’s an amazing boon. Like typing the word “boon,” thinking, huh, is that right? It looks weird. Am I writing something weird? I mean weirder than usual? And being able to check it within seconds. Yes, I was right. No, I have not completely lost my grip on the English language.

Research for novels has never been easier. Need to have a better understanding of the physics of time? Thank you, Google! Wondering what was involved in getting dressed in 18th century clothing? There are probably blogs devoted to just that! Want to find a poison to kill a character? The internet is your laboratory. Explaining your search history to the authorities, well, that one’s on you.

Check out  my full-length novels,  Her Cousin Much Removed,  The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management and Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only), and the sequel, Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) which is now available!

Sign up for my spamless newsletter. And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

 

H is for Her (Cousin, Much Removed)

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Sorry folks. It had to be done. I know, I know, it’s all kinds of self-promotion-y, but sometimes you just have to do a little horn tooting, break out the old soapbox and wave your carnival cane. A carnival cane is a thing, right?

Anyway, with H we are talking about my cozy mystery, Her Cousin, Much Removed, which is available for Kindle, and free to read with Kindle Unlimited or Amazon Prime.

What’s that you say, hypothetical reader? I seem to be doing the bulk of the talking? Point taken. Now please let me get on with flogging my wares.

Venetia Shipman only wanted her platter back, the one she lent her sorta cousin, Delenda. But now Delenda’s been murdered, and that’s only the beginning of Venetia’s problems. Yep, Delenda was up to some not-so-great stuff, and Venetia’s the one who’s paying for it.

See? Was that so terrible? What’s that, hypothetical reader? You can’t wait to read Her Cousin, Much Removed? It sounds like a fun, mysterious romp with twists, humor and, of course, platters? Oh, stop, hypothetical reader. You flatter me.

Check out  my full-length novels,  Her Cousin Much Removed,  The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management and Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only), and the sequel, Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) which is now available!

Sign up for my spamless newsletter. And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

 

G is for Getting (Going)

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Why yes, hypothetical reader, that is a parenthetical you see there. What’s that, hypothetical reader? You get it already and we can stop talking about  it every day?

Point noted. No need to get huffy, though.

So today, I built a little motivation right into the title, because I needed a little motivation. Sometimes starting is the worst part of a task (unless your task is, say, rendering aid to cantankerous scorpions, and then I’d say your task is the worst part of your task). It’s taking that first dish out of the dishwasher, it’s putting on your coat to run the errand, it’s taking that blinking cursor on a blank screen and putting some characters behind it.

There are external motivators, like caffeine (oh how I miss ye), deadlines and ogres rented by the hour to breathe heavy, dank breath at you while menacingly tapping the head of their clubs into their palms, but sometimes the impetus to act has to come from within. Especially–

What’s that you say, hypothetical reader? You think one of those things isn’t a real external motivator? Well, I answer you this: deadlines work.

Anyway, where was I? Oh yes. Especially when none of the external methods are proddy enough, and all the ogres are booked with other gigs.

Sometimes you have to just sit down (or stand up, depending on the task at hand. If it requires standing, sitting is very counter-productive) and start. Silence the internal protests about all the other things you could be doing, and accept that this particular thing is how you will be spending this particular amount of time.

Now don’t you feel proud of yourself, bordering on smug? I certainly do!

Check out  my full-length novels,  Her Cousin Much Removed,  The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management and Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only), and the sequel, Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) which is now available!

Sign up for my spamless newsletter. And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!