This is a quoll, a carnivorous marsupial from Australia. It’s also a great Scrabble word. By Ways from Wikimedia Commons

Hmm? What’s that, hypothetical reader? Quoffee is not a word?

Why I beg to differ. Quoffee is a perfectly acceptable word. Me making it up doesn’t make it less of a word. It only hasn’t caught on yet. Because I made it up about four minutes ago.

Speak up, hypothetical reader, I didn’t hear that. What does it mean?

Well thank you for asking. You always know exactly the right thing to ask at the right time, hypothetical reader.

It’s uncanny.

Quoffee is, of course, the quest for coffee. Why be forced to describe this (nearly) universal need in two words when you can, at your darkest hour, use but one? Quoffee.

Yesterday I told you how I accidentally got chocolate-donut-flavored coffee instead of coffee humans actually want to drink. It wasn’t awful yesterday because only half of it had the artificial flavoring, but today I had to do a full cup of this concept catastrophe.

Maybe it would have proven drinkable if I’d added enough cream and sugar to believe I was eating an actual chocolate donut, but really I’d rather just have the donut.

So I looked in the fridge where I store my coffee and coffee-based experiments, and lo and behold there was a bag I’d tried, didn’t love, and saved for emergencies. A while ago.

In the calculus of the quoffee, almost-stale beats fake flavoring that crawls inside of your brain and takes up residence. Every time.

Almost-stale it was.

I’m on my second cup because apparently the caffeine also degrades. Sigh. So the quoffee lives on unto eternity.

Or, you know, until I go buy a fresh bag. Whichever.

Check out  my full-length novels: 

Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only)   

Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) 

 Her Cousin Much Removed

 The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management.

And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

Peruse Montraps Publishing.



14 thoughts on “Quoffee

  1. I’m glad you defined it. I thought you had adopted a Brooklyn accent!

    If I may add my sad quoffee: about a month ago I broke my french press. We had talked about getting a fancy coffee-maker, but our tiny apartment has no counter space, so we were waiting until we get a new apartment. I absolutely refuse to buy a new french press just before having to pack it up and move into our new apartment, wherever it will be! So I’ve been making – brace yourself – instant every morning, while my bag of fresh-ground Kenya AA languishes in the pantry. I would gladly donate it to your quest if I didn’t live 7,000 miles away (ish).

    (btw, Grammarly does NOT like this new word. We’d best add it to the lexicon post-haste!)

    Liked by 1 person

    • GASP!! I LITERALLY GASPED!! I am so impressed that, in your quoffee, you would take such a bold and drastic step! But I do understand not wanting to replace something that could break so easily before you move.

      Also I appreciate the offer, Kenyan coffee is AAAAMMAAAAAAAAZZZZING. Amazing.

      Imagine how good it will taste when you can finally have it again!


    • Aw thanks, but as Breaker of Things pointed out, apparently it already exists on Twitter! WHO KNEW?!

      At least I gave it a better definition than “the way New Yorkers say ‘coffee'” which is, I guess, how it’s used.

      Liked by 2 people

  2. debscarey

    Ah … and I was about to say, isn’t that how Noo Yoikers say coffee? But you beat me to it …
    Sigh! Maybe if I’d been more on time today? But I am running behind (way way so). But yes – for word love … this one gets my vote 🙂

    A-Zing this year at:
    Normally found at:

    Liked by 1 person

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