Coffee Catastrophe. Catastrocoffe

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By ŇÄĵŵÅ Ă. Мǻŗǻƒįę from KUWAIT (Nothing more than a tea) [CC BY-SA 2.0 ], via Wikimedia Commons. Yes it’s tea. But accurate. Ish. Whatever.

OK, so this was entirely, completely and utterly my fault. No one else is responsible.

Just me.

I was putting together my breakfast–yogurt with nuts, some figs and raspberries on the side, and of, course, coffee–when I heard the coffee maker stutter and gasp. Sometimes it does this, gets all dramatic, but I don’t pay attention because that’s what it wants me to do.

Anyway, it seems a lot more puffy and huffy than usual, so I look over and notice…there’s no water going into the cup.

And THEN I subtly perceive there is coffee-colored water everywhere, all over the counter, heading under the microwave, cascading to the floor. Everywhere.

I think back to a moment of “huh” while I was making the coffee, when I slid the cone-filter holder into place and it didn’t quite “click.” And realization struck.

I put the cover for the basket, the one with a hole to direct the water into the cone filter, on backwards.

Back. Wards.

So the water just ran over and out.

I told you it was my fault. So I had to clean it up, all that runny, runny coffee-colored water, which I discovered wasn’t actually my coffee as the grounds were dry as a bone and ready to go.

So upside, I guess?

That’s my morning. How about you?

Like my political side? Read my opinion pieces here. New pieces on Thursdays.

Check out  my full-length novels: 

Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only)   

Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) 

 Her Cousin Much Removed

 The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management.

And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

Peruse Montraps Publishing.

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No, YOU’RE obsessed with coffee

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I wonder if I should make another cup of coffee.

I wonder that a lot. Pros: coffee. Also, it’s cool in here right now, and coffee is an automatic warming system.

Cons: It’s coffee. Caffeine.

Rebuttal: I can do a half-caff.

Rebuttal to the rebuttal: I’m sitting down and the coffeemaker is all the way in the kitchen and also I’m writing a blog post.

Rebuttal to the rebuttal to the rebuttal: Coffee essentially writes blog posts.

Ah. Good point. Can it overcome the “sitting” part of the argument?

Let’s find out.

Turns out the answer to that question is “yes.” Now we know.

While the coffee is coffeeing, a reminder to come by on Friday for #AccountaClub, where we talk about how our stuff is going, whatever stuff that may be. You can comment here, or blog on your site if you prefer, and leave a comment so we can come see what you’re up to or share in your frustration.

It’s no pressure and no judgment.

Especially in the matters of coffee. Which I can hear dribbling away into the cup.

Like my political side? Read my opinion pieces here.

Check out  my full-length novels: 

Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only)   

Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) 

 Her Cousin Much Removed

 The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management.

And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

Peruse Montraps Publishing.

 

Quoffee

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This is a quoll, a carnivorous marsupial from Australia. It’s also a great Scrabble word. By Ways from Wikimedia Commons

Hmm? What’s that, hypothetical reader? Quoffee is not a word?

Why I beg to differ. Quoffee is a perfectly acceptable word. Me making it up doesn’t make it less of a word. It only hasn’t caught on yet. Because I made it up about four minutes ago.

Speak up, hypothetical reader, I didn’t hear that. What does it mean?

Well thank you for asking. You always know exactly the right thing to ask at the right time, hypothetical reader.

It’s uncanny.

Quoffee is, of course, the quest for coffee. Why be forced to describe this (nearly) universal need in two words when you can, at your darkest hour, use but one? Quoffee.

Yesterday I told you how I accidentally got chocolate-donut-flavored coffee instead of coffee humans actually want to drink. It wasn’t awful yesterday because only half of it had the artificial flavoring, but today I had to do a full cup of this concept catastrophe.

Maybe it would have proven drinkable if I’d added enough cream and sugar to believe I was eating an actual chocolate donut, but really I’d rather just have the donut.

So I looked in the fridge where I store my coffee and coffee-based experiments, and lo and behold there was a bag I’d tried, didn’t love, and saved for emergencies. A while ago.

In the calculus of the quoffee, almost-stale beats fake flavoring that crawls inside of your brain and takes up residence. Every time.

Almost-stale it was.

I’m on my second cup because apparently the caffeine also degrades. Sigh. So the quoffee lives on unto eternity.

Or, you know, until I go buy a fresh bag. Whichever.

Check out  my full-length novels: 

Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only)   

Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) 

 Her Cousin Much Removed

 The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management.

And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

Peruse Montraps Publishing.

 

Ground Coffee: The Experiment or La La La I Can’t Hear You Impending Doom

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The Night Café, Vincent van Gogh [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

In the interests of continuing to pretend that it’s all going to be OK and nothing’s happening, and no, we’re not all going to die in a horrible nuclear winter, today I bring you: Ground Coffee: The Experiment.

It’s science, y’all.

What’s that, hypothetical reader? I really can’t carry off “y’all?”

Fine. Whateves.

So after the debacle that is grinder of my new coffeemaker, I decided to indulge myself and get two different types of pre-ground coffee. And now OBVIOUSLY I have to pit them against one another.

Obviously.

For this experiment, I chose Dunkin’ Donuts’ Original Blend (my control coffee) and Caribou Coffee’s Light Roast.

I know you can’t wait. Here are the results:

Ease of bag opening: Dunkin’.

Don’t think this is an important criterion? Try wrestling with a stubborn bag bleary-eyed and in desperate, desperate need of coffee. That Caribou bag was TIGHT, yo. On the plus side, tighter seal, probably fresher longer.

First Sniff “AHHHH”: Dunkin’.

So much of coffee is that smell, the one that hits your brain and tell you help is on the way. Even with the super seal of Caribou, Dunkin’ had an edge on that opening-the-bag goodness.

The Biggie: FLAVOR. Caribou

What a twist, right? I didn’t expect it either, but when it came to that full-bodied, layered coffee deliciousness, I have to say Caribou got the edge. Now I did drink it first, so that may have been an advantage. For reference, these days I take my coffee blended with a touch of coconut oil, no sugar, so those variables could matter.

Overall Winner: Who Knows?

I mean obviously flavor is the biggie, so does it top the other factors? Probably. But really, they’re both good, and hey, we distracted ourselves for a little while, and I’d call that the big win.

For more on my thoughts about Charlottesville and rising bigotry, please read An Open Letter to My Friends of Color.

Check out  my full-length novels: 

Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only)   

Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) 

 Her Cousin Much Removed

 The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management.

And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

Peruse Montraps Publishing.

Contemplating Coffee

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There is so much more going on right now than this. I know that. Far, far more important things, but with that warning, I’m going to talk about it anyway.

My new coffeemaker is kind of a bust.

I really wanted it to work. I really, really did, but this morning, I eagerly scooped the beans into the integrated grinder, pressed the button and watched as my cup filled with light brown water, a clump of grounds at the bottom.

Not really the coffee I was looking for.

I’ve had this machine long enough now that I know this hot bad-pipes-looking cup meant that the chute that sends the coffee from the grinder into the basket is clogged, so I opened the top to pull out the grinder.

It wouldn’t budge. And when I say it wouldn’t budge, I mean it was like it was bonded to the machine. Which it probably was, with steam-dampened coffee cement.

I tried putting it on the floor for leverage. I tried a screwdriver. I went online, and some people suggested putting the entire thing in the freezer. Hmm.

I finally just left it to cool down and pulled out the old Keurig.

Finally, just now, I managed to pry the grinder out with the screwdriver, using various tools to clean the chute and the grinder itself. I then promptly dropped the lid, itself covered in coffee dust, and thus just spent 20 minutes cleaning the kitchen floor.

Alas.

So I will either grind my own coffee or buy ground coffee. The grinder just isn’t worth the trouble. The coffeemaker itself wasn’t expensive, and it does solve the K-cup problem, but the on-board grinder? Well, that’s a fail.

You are now free to return to your much more important issues. Or if you don’t wanna, check out my books. They’re escapey, and 100% guaranteed not to leave coffee grounds on your floor.

For more on my thoughts about Charlottesville and rising bigotry, please read An Open Letter to My Friends of Color.

Check out  my full-length novels: 

Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only)   

Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) 

 Her Cousin Much Removed

 The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management.

And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

Peruse Montraps Publishing.

For the Love of Coffee

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So I got a new coffeemaker. I’d had a Keurig for many years but used it with much guilt. Yes, those little cups are convenient, but at what cost?

At what cost??

So when I spotted a Cuisinart single-cup grind-and-brew coffeemaker at Costco, I thought I had found nirvana. Freshly ground coffee, one cup at a time?

Sign me up!

Only, well, our relationship so far has proven rocky. Very, very rocky. I can’t seem to get the proportions right; I can’t seem to get all the parts in all the right places; I can’t seem to wring out the perfect cup of coffee.

But I’m determined.

I feel a little bit like a woman convinced she’s met The One desperately trying to make it work. It’s just a misunderstanding. We’ll figure it out.

Won’t we, new coffeemaker?

It shrugged. I’ll take that as a yes.

For more on my thoughts about Charlottesville and rising bigotry, please read An Open Letter to My Friends of Color.

Check out  my full-length novels: 

Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only)   

Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) 

 Her Cousin Much Removed

 The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management.

And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

Peruse Montraps Publishing.

 

Waiting. But for What?

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Ever feel like you’re waiting for something, but you’re not exactly sure what is you’re waiting for? What’s that, hypothetical reader? You’re waiting for a grammatically correct sentence?

Prepositions, schmepositions.

It’s strange, it’s almost as though there’s something in the air, something utterly intangible, and yet it feels as though it might be soon.

It.

What?

I have no idea. Maybe it’s seeping edginess from coffee, maybe it’s the lingering after effects of procrastination, of going down a rabbit hole that didn’t need exploring today, while other things sit and stare at me accusingly.

Yes, editing, I’m talking to you. And nearly-finished-first-draft. Trust me, I hear you, calling to me over on my Kindle, waiting rather impatiently, if may be frank.

What’s that, hypothetical reader? You thought I was Isa-Lee?

Nice one. Probably one of the oldest jokes ever devised, as old as the word/name combo, but still, not a bad attempt at humor.

So what is it?

I haven’t the faintest idea. But I promise to share if I find out.

We’ll save the other animals for another day. I hope you enjoyed your vicarious zoo visit!

Check out  my full-length novels,  Her Cousin Much Removed,  The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management and Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only), and the sequel, Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) which is now available!

And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

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