humor

#MondayThoughts: A potted plant would have made a better president.

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A literal potted plant. Let me illustrate.

Advisor: “Mr. President, (yes, it’s a male potted plant. There was a much more qualified female potted plant, but people thought she was too firmly planted and her leaves should have more shine. Let’s start again.)

Advisor: Mr. President. FEMA says we need to deploy supplies and support to Puerto Rico after the devastation of Hurricane Maria.

President Potted Plant:

Advisor: Thank you, Sir, we’ll follow FEMA’s suggestion.

Advisor: Mr. President, there’s some weird guy here, I’m not sure how he got in here really, he just keep showing up. Out of thin air. Often after people see a loose bat.

(Thinking.)

Advisor (cont’d): But anyway, you know families seeking asylum at the border? He’s suggesting that we separate them, put the kids in these camps, you know, at high concentrations, and then adopt them out and keep no records, and deny them education, adequate food and sanitation in the meanwhile. Like I said, he’s weird. What do you say?

President Potted Plant:

Adivisor: Good, Sir, then we’ll just stay the course and not do any of that.

Advisor: Mr. President, there’s a terrible virus emerging, and our health experts advise pandemic protocols: testing and isolation, contact tracing and PPE. What course should we take?

President Potted Plant:

Advisor: OK so pandemic protocols it is then.

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Earworm evolved

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By Maungatautari Ecological Island Trust (http://www.maungatrust.org/news/default.asp) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Ever have one of those days when you have ideas in your head but none of them are yours? In my case, it’s a TV show from New Zealand. And in constructing that sentence, I realized I don’t know the adjective for describing something as from New Zealand. New Zealander? That’s awkward. I’ve heard “Kiwi” used, especially in reference to people, but that seems pretty informal and slangy.

Hold on a second. You know I have to know.

Yep. New Zealander. At least for people. Probably for objects as well, and after all that, I’m sticking with the original sentence construction. Ah, the inside of the head of a writer.

But I digress.

Where were we? Right. Other people’s ideas.

It’s a show about a New Zealand pub quiz team, but of course it’s not just about the quiz team. And I really like it.

And it’s occupying the space in my head that is usually reserved for my own weird thoughts. It’s a little bit like getting a song stuck in your head (I’m so, so sorry if that song you always get stuck in your head just popped right on in there at the mention), but with characters and plots. And it’s not even in the realm of my go-to genre, as it’s not the least bit weird.

So how to cleanse the brain? Aunty Ida would know, but right about now she’d be jumping in with a Kiwi accent. A bad one. And some g’days, even though that’s Australia, and lots and lots of “mates.”

Huh. Kiwi does work better.

Check out my recaps of the hit new show “All My Traitors.” Recap of episode 2, “Lock Him Up” is available now!

Check out  my full-length novels: 

Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only)   

Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) 

 Her Cousin Much Removed

 The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management.

And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

Peruse Montraps Publishing.

Monday and hold habits

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By Soumyajit Nandy (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons

No sunny skies this morning, just gray and maybe rain. I should check on that.

Hmm. I checked and we’re still at maybe rain. It didn’t specifically say rain, but it looks that way. In case there was any question, it’s definitely a Monday. Hello, Monday.

But I’ve got my coffee, I’ve had my breakfast (good, by the way. Who doesn’t love breakfast?) and my mind is chugging its way up to full throttle.

The week has begun.

This week I’m going to try to break routine a little bit. To some degree, I have to, I have administrative tasks I have to complete, so that already changes things up. As for the rest, well, why not? It’s a new week, and as a new week a great time to kick an old habit.

(I typed “hold habit, which, when you think about it, is much more accurate. Nothing can hold you in place like a habit. And it sure sounds like Aunty Ida is getting impatient with me as she’s trying to escape the confines of her current manuscript. Whew, that was a long aside.)

Want to give it a shot too? Why not? So long, hold habits!

See? I told you it worked.

Check out my recaps of the hit new show “All My Traitors.” Recap of episode 2, “Lock Him Up” is available now!

Check out  my full-length novels: 

Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only)   

Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) 

 Her Cousin Much Removed

 The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management.

And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

Peruse Montraps Publishing.

Mold

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Apparently it’s a find-mold-on-the-last-corner-of-my-toast kinda day. True story. Just one ugly, insidious dot of mold. I didn’t see more on the rest of the loaf, but is it ever just one spot of mold?

That’s right, hypothetical reader. Never.

I’m working hard at not making it a broader metaphor, as it seems to have the metaphor right there, right on the surface, just like the mold, but not everything has to be a metaphor.

Right, hypothetical reader? Hypothetical reader??

And something just auto-renewed that I didn’t want. That’s mold number two for the day. Great.

Metaphor it is.

So I’m going to go try to undo that, and to hope for an unmoldy weekend ahead. There’s always the opportunity for a new loaf, right? A fresh new loaf of un-auto-renewed service?

Mm.

That’s what I thought.

Oh well, you can’t unmold them all.

Check out my recaps of the hit new show “All My Traitors.” Recap of episode 2, “Lock Him Up” is available now!

Check out  my full-length novels: 

Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only)   

Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) 

 Her Cousin Much Removed

 The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management.

And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

Peruse Montraps Publishing.

In-habit-ed

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(By Charlesjsharp (Own work) [CC BY-SA 4.0 (https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by-sa/4.0)%5D, via Wikimedia Commons)

Yes it’s a title pun and I have no shame about it. I’ve got a cup of tea in the works, and I’m hoping it it will do its tea magic and make it all the way to the top floor. We’ll see.

Some cups are better than others.

For some reason, lately I’ve been thinking about how so many writers depend upon alcohol to get to the work. I can’t imagine that doing the trick for me, the last thing I’d want to do is write. I’d be more inclined to nap, really, and that doesn’t count.

My wildest substance choice is the variety of tea (white today) and possibly eating something with too much sugar. I know, I need to curb my partying ways.

But it does raise the question of habits. Some may help us, may spur us, may inspire us. And others hinder us.

And we don’t always clearly see which are which.

The tea is likely fine. The sugar?

Probably not.

It’s never a bad idea to examine our habits, to look at what we’ve ingrained in writing or in life, and question whether they serve us. Breaking them may be difficult, but living with the consequences even more so.

Check out my recaps of the hit new show “All My Traitors.” Recap of episode 2, “Lock Him Up” is available now!

Check out  my full-length novels: 

Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only)   

Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) 

 Her Cousin Much Removed

 The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management.

And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

Peruse Montraps Publishing.

#FridayReads: Spring clean your noggin

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Mind teeming with deep, dark wintry cobwebs? Aunty Ida’s just the one to clean them out.

Perhaps a little too enthusiastically.

So, you know, keep an eye on your brain. 

And if you’re brave enough for more…

The little green men made me not do it

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By User:Crobard~commonswiki (Own work) [Public domain], via Wikimedia Commons

Some days you just have to do the laundry of life, there’s no getting around it. Sometimes that laundry is actual laundry; other times they’re the unglamorous slog through paperwork or forms or other such must-dos that have you checking the date and wondering if they can be put off.

Putting them off never helps. Not that I know from experience or anything. Also I don’t miss deadlines. Not ever, not unless the aliens are at my window and making demands. And even then I’d ask if I could bring my computer and whether they have wifi.

Deadlines are sacred.

Always.

But of course I digress. Why? Because thinking up procrastination-inducing aliens is far more interesting than talking about paperwork. For obvious reasons.

So I’ll share with you an anti-procrastination trick I’ve let you in on before: I give myself a choice between two tasks I don’t want to do but need to be done. Suddenly one of them is incredibly appealing.

Or there’s my favorite, the timer. It probably works for me because I give deadlines such weight; even setting one to myself (this has to be done by Friday, for example) works.

But you may not be a deadline person, and if you watch them sail past with a shrug and wave, it probably won’t work for you.

Whatever your method, the laundry of life is waiting. And if you’ll excuse me, there seems to be an alien politely tapping at my window.

Check out my recaps of the hit new show “All My Traitors.” Recap of episode 2, “Lock Him Up” is available now!

Check out  my full-length novels: 

Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only)   

Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) 

 Her Cousin Much Removed

 The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management.

And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

Peruse Montraps Publishing.

Trying new things

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Doesn’t always work out for the best. It’s a built-in risk, though, isn’t it? That everything new you try might not come out the way you hoped or expected.

I’ve had a little touch of the food poisoning this week.

In the spirit of trying new things, I ventured into a Cuban restaurant not too far from me, one I’d never tried before. I haven’t had much Cuban food, so it was doubly new. There wasn’t anyone else there when we walked in, but as soon as we crossed the threshold, it was too late.

We couldn’t just walk out again. Maybe I was the only one thinking about it, anyway, given it wasn’t something I could say, not in front of the owner.

The food tasted good, and it seemed like a success. Until about 2 am, that is.

And I’ve been off ever since. It’s not the worst case I’ve had; not by a long shot, but here I am in the aftermath of a risk that didn’t pan out. Does it mean I’ll never go to a new restaurant again? Well, that’s unlikely.

Does it mean I won’t eat anywhere where there isn’t another person?

That’s much more likely.

When we accept risk, we rarely think of the possible consequences as a tangible, likely thing. But reality is that not everything pans out; sometimes you get some bad chicken.

But that’s life. You pick yourself up eventually, you exist on bland foods for as long as that takes, and you gear yourself up to try something new.

Just maybe not the chicken.

Check out my recaps of the hit new show “All My Traitors.” Recap of episode 2, “Lock Him Up” is available now!

Check out  my full-length novels: 

Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only)   

Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) 

 Her Cousin Much Removed

 The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management.

And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

Peruse Montraps Publishing.

Aunty Ida has the answers

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She can’t cure everything.

It’s possible she can’t cure anything.

But she does have a way with brains.

So about that robot butler…

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Well, humanity was nice while it lasted, and I’m not just talking the constant pesky threat of nuclear annihilation at the whim of a temperamental man-child on a pouty afternoon. We’ve got other things to worry about, which is unfortunate, because the Warehouse of Worries is bursting at the seams and boasts a six-hour wait list.

If you didn’t see the Hound from Fahrenheit 451 open a door for his hound buddy yesterday, here it is:

Built by Boston Dynamics, a technology company where no one seems to have read to the end of a single work of science fiction, this kinda looks like the beginning of the end. But in the words of infomercials, wait, that’s not all.

Nope.

There are also apparently ginormous mutant pigs roaming Hong Kong. Wild boars, if you want to be exact, and though we already knew Orwell’s 1984 was unfurling before our eyes, we never really expected Animal Farm. Or, perhaps more terrifyingly, the world of Margaret Atwood’s MaddAddam series.

Nightmare fuel for days. Now might be a great time to remind our porcine overlords that I don’t eat pork because pigs are very smart, and as for our future robotic ones, I say, nice robot. Who’s a good boy? Niiiiiiiiiiiceeeeeeeeee robot….

Check out my recaps of the hit new show “All My Traitors.” Recap of episode 2, “Lock Him Up” is available now!

Check out  my full-length novels: 

Aunty Ida’s Full-Service Mental Institution (by Invitation Only)   

Aunty Ida’s Holey Amazing Sleeping Preparation (Not Doctor Recommended) 

 Her Cousin Much Removed

 The Great Paradox and the Innies and Outies of Time Management.

And download Better Living Through GRAVY and Other Oddities, it’s free!

Peruse Montraps Publishing.