We are below zero on any scale this morning, -4F/-20C. It’s hazy, but largely sunny, whatever good that does. It’s Martin Luther King Jr. Day here in the US, a federal holiday, and before we get started on today’s post, other people have done a much better job than I could so I offer you some options in honor of a man who moved mountains but was murdered before he could move them as far as he could go.
First, Danyel Smith on the motivations of a young Rev. Dr. Martin Luther King; some background on how the holiday came to be; for the visually-minded, a collection of photographs of the late Rev. Dr. King; and for the musically-minded from Denise Oliver-Velez, a woman who was, herself, “in the room where it happened,” so to speak.
And now today’s post, and I apologize for an abrupt switch of gears, so please ready yourself.
No sooner had I shared Friday’s post when, early Saturday morning, a man responded to a spout with a truly disgusting image of a penis and testicles in the shape of a very repulsive bird.
The spout he responded to lauded how Spoutible may be the only place white men are allowed where they cannot control or dominate a conversation. There was no text with the image, just the image.
The community itself was wonderfully supportive, also outraged and repulsed, and reported it a ton. For the most part.
I had some men normalizing it to me, turning it into a joke, and I spoke to them directly about it. I will, from now on, call these people the “Clean Up Crew.” This is phase 1.
The Clean Up Crew show up after something offensive has happened, be it sexual harassment/aggression, like that image, or a form of bigotry. They “make a joke” about the incident. They tell the impacted person to “lighten up.” They minimize the behavior.
They tell you the person didn’t mean anything by it.
And before we move on to phase 2 of the Clean Up Crew, let’s pause here. Is it possible that man who sent me the image “didn’t mean anything by it?”
Why would he send me that image? What was it intended to convey? What do men mean when they force genitals into the faces of women? Do you actually think he thought I would find it funny? Did he do it to be nice or friendly? What was his motivation? What was his reaction to my spout?
He didn’t apologize or offer to delete it when I responded and told him he’d proven my point.
We all know what he meant. It was an implicit threat of sexual violence; shut up or I’ll shut you up. It was a reminder there is always a way for a man to “dominate” a woman.
So when phase 1 of the Clean Up Crew arrived, I didn’t do what we are normally expected to do. I didn’t laugh along with their “joke” at the expense of my discomfort. Some took the feedback relatively well, but some were aggrieved that I had bucked the rules of “making it OK.”
Which leads to phase 2 of the Clean Up Crew, the Patriarchy Enforcers. Now to be clear, not a single member of the Patriarchy Enforcers this time had the courage to address me directly. That is by design; phase 2 is there to make sure that even if you cannot punish someone rebelling against the patriarchy directly, they still feel the impact.
They’re the gossipers. They’re the ones telling everyone else how you overreacted, how you should have just let it go. They are the ones setting off the whirlwind of talking behind your back. They are the ones who make you responsible for the consequences of the sexual aggressor’s actions. You talk about it too much; you talk about it too little so something else happened; you reported it, blowing it out of proportion; you didn’t report it, the next time he does it is your fault.
The Patriarchy Enforcers make sure there is absolutely no good option for you while removing the person who actually caused the harm from the conversation entirely. While phase 1 are often men, phase 2 of the Clean Up Crew, the Patriarchy Enforcers, often include women. In phase 2, pots are stirred, and one person may have implied that someone who reacted badly to the spout was the person who sent the spout, thus making the fallout my fault.
Once I learned that had spread, I did try to fix that. A story I didn’t tell based on a spout I didn’t write based on a picture I didn’t send, all somehow laid at my feet.
The poster who sent the image wasn’t suspended, as far as I know, until this morning, which upset me deeply. The delay helped fuel the Patriarchy Enforcers’ claims of hypersensitivity. One person I know of thus far also got a disgusting spout, though thankfully that person was handled quickly.
But during the time that I elapsed, I wondered if it was that sending a sexually aggressive image was OK. I wondered if it was sending it to me specifically that was OK. I wondered if the moderators found it funny, and found my discomfort funny (To be clear I have zero indication this was the case, it’s one of the things that ran through my mind).
The most rational part of me reminded me that there is a small moderation staff, possibly smaller over a holiday weekend with large features about to be released, and that my issue was not the only issue to be addressed.
But still I did wonder if no sexually explicit content meant except in this case. If no sexual harassment meant except in this case.
And remember, like all women, I come with history of being told men violating my boundaries, my privacy, my sense of security is not a big deal or a problem.
The whole time, I prepared myself for a further onslaught of images, not sure when the next would arrive. It never did, but I do wonder if the time that passed emboldened the person who harassed someone else.
So they are like two halves of a balance scale, we cannot let Friday stand alone without this resulting post on Monday; Monday stands in the shadow of Friday.
I reiterate, though, that user was suspended, apparently for a week. Action was taken. In full honesty, I would feel better if it had happened sooner, but on the other hand, Spoutible is the only site where action was likely to be taken at all.
And I have nothing to indicate it even could have happened sooner, I have no information regarding why it took the time it did.
Thank you so much to everyone who supported, who reported, who also was mystified that it wasn’t immediately removed. That’s what really makes Spoutible the future, a true sense of community. Thank you as well to the people who side-eyed the Patriarchy Enforcers, who called them out for what they are, this is how we change it all.
I am glad to have a space where we don’t have to pretend things meant to upset and disturb us don’t upset and disturb us. Where we can be honest that sexual aggression impacts us as intended, instead of pretending it doesn’t to ward off more aggression, to avoid The Clean Up Crew phase 1, to stay clear of the Patriarchy Enforcers, phase 2.
Where authenticity isn’t always pretty or happy or hopeful. Or easy.
Have a great Monday, and please spend a moment today thinking about how you could make the world a fairer, better place in honor of the memory of Rev. Dr. King.
A Bit to Read 
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