I had to think what day it was, it feels much later in the week to me already, but some weeks are like that. It’s gray, it was raining earlier and it will likely rain again later. Some weeks are like that too.
This morning on Spoutible, I posted something about the idea of men as “protectors” given that those same men often commit violence against the women and girls and others they are meant to protect, or protect “their own” like property while victimizing others.
And one guy thought it would be fun to both make a joke and correct me.
It’s incredible how frequently men do both of these things, but let’s tackle the joke, the “correcting” is classic mansplaining. So frequently women will start on a topic, particularly regarding violence against women and the patriarchy in general, and a guy will quote the spout or reply with some kind of quip.
When confronted with how it’s inappropriate, the topic isn’t funny, and it’s minimizing, normalizing and demeaning, there are usually a few responses. The best one, of course, is when the guy gets immediately what the problem is, apologizes, and then does better.
That’s the case for a few of you. You know who you are.
There are the ones who claim they were trying to “lighten things up.” This one is interesting because who has asked anyone to lighten anything up? We are, with purpose, talking about something serious. So why the need and desire to divert from that? Short answer, patriarchy; slightly longer answer, men are habituated to protect and defend the patriarchy, and “the joke” is the first line of attack. Men can then confront that, like the men above or they fall into the next category. It makes the tone of the conversation your responsibility as the man wrests control; suddenly you are “humorless” and “don’t get it,” and “need to take a joke.”
The next category: they just run away. What is the message when you immediately block after someone explaining how your dismissive behavior is harmful? That you don’t care and you intend to keep doing it. Chalk that person up as a staunch defender of the patriarchy who might claim to be something else. Instead of owning the behavior, the problem is my tone or my words or my lack of deference, though they never say that outright.
And then there’s the male rage. It’s a tool used for centuries to keep women and girls in line; it is, of course, the same thing that fuels my original protector spout. In the situation this morning, the guy did reply and then block. It might have been angry, I don’t know, I didn’t see it.
The key thing here is calling out this behavior shouldn’t be solely on the shoulders of women and people of other genders subjugated by patriarchy. Beneficiaries of the patriarchy you have to start calling this out. Not sitting by and watching it unfold; not committed to end it one minute but running away the moment it is you.
You have to start calling this out.
You have to take ownership of your part in this, the part you play and the part you don’t play because it’s difficult.
And with that, I wish everyone a great Tuesday.
A Bit to Read 